Tuesday, April 12, 2005


That's how Monte Burns answered the phone when he learned how to use it in a fantastic episode featuring Smithers going to a gay resort. The simpsons, again, are my gospel. And I don't say that with the pride you might've read it with.

My taxes are killing me softly with their song. Which has (become) very loud as of late.

Gotten is not a word.

A few standup idears:

Hardest job on earth: Israeli Bus Driver. I'm fairly certain that it's staffed entirely with temps.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

You wearin' horseshoe draws, dawg.

This is a favorite saying of our thirty-year office manager, Berry. It means "you are lucky" or "you are in the act of being lucky." I mention it because you live in a world where Beck covered the song "Everybody's Got to Learn Sometime." If you haven't illegally downloaded Beck's version of "Everybody's Got to Learn Sometime," you have no real joy in your life. Just a sorry imitation of joy that props you up with empty calories and meaningless sex.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Grey's Anatomy, Costco, Fox News, JP2

There's a new show on TV based in Seattle starring the asian chick from Sideways. The plot revolves around interns at a hospital who fuck eachother. "Hey," I say, "there's the Space Needle. Hey, there's the Alaskan Viaduct. Hey, there's Bainbridge." Etc. But wait, I look out the window of my apartment and say the same things. So why is it exciting when I see it on tv--a much smaller square than my window? Because it's on TV, and as such, eternal. Plus, I usually have to stand to see these landmarks. Not any more.

Anyway...Next time you're at Costco, this is what you're going to do. You're going to go straight past the Kirkland signature jeans, past the frozen potstickers, past the samples (you can do it, the hairnet guy cutting taquitos with scissors will still be there on the way back) and straight to the Lime Tequila Turkey double pack in the upright prepackaged refrigerated meats trough.

You will thank me.

Proper cooking will require an oven and a meat thermometer. And/or a girlfriend with the flat-out jesus-supplied SKILLZ required to use an oven and meat thermometer like I have. And if you're really lucky, she'll whip up some garlic mashed potatoes (not with garlic powder or something) but with honest-to-God broiled WHOLE GARLIC CLOVES accompanying asparagus saut├ęd in 10 year old balsamic vinegar.

The Simpsons are my Gospel. The best part of tonight's episode was where Kent Brockman pointed out the Fox News truck with the enormous BUSH/CHENEY sticker on it's side, with Queen's "We Are The Champions" playing through roof-mounted loudspeakers.

Roger Ailes is Satan. Rupert Murdock is the man who hired Satan. What does a foreign Billionaire with business ties to Red China have to gain by a divided American electorate? Anybody? Anybody?

So. The Pope's not long for this world, I'm afraid. Even though he's weakened the Democratic Party, refused to let women into the Priesthood, swept sexual predator priests under the rug by having them switch churches, and furthered the spread of AIDS and the oppression of women by continuing to disallow the use of birth control, I seriously believe there's a good man under all that fabulous silk.

May God will take his confused ass into heaven with open arms.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Why can't people finish nonfiction books?

Easy. Because most defend a hypothesis. Once you get the jist of that, and the the main arguments, everything else is just useless shredded lettuce in the doubledecker taco.

Some great books I never finished:

Robert Wright's NonZero
A book that explores the increasing complexity of human interaction and how those interactions have a nonzero sum. This means that relationships need not have a winner and a loser. And how this explains all sorts of crazy shit that you'd never guess it could. Like the similarities between religions and why we'd jump in a river to save a stranger.

Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs and Steel.
I'll admit it. I bought this book because it said that it won the pulizer prize. I'm not made of stone, people. It explains why white people "own all the cargo." The explination starts and stops with geography. Geographical advantages of those living in Europe lead to the advantages found in the title of the book. An evolutionary Biologist, like Wright, but not nearly as good a writer.

Thomas Friedman's Beruit to Jerusalem
The most respected, and loudest authority on Middle-Eastern politics also happens to be an optimist, and consistently pisses off Republicans and Democrats. Clear without being patronizing. Also, TF has just discovered the wit and wisdom of Robert Wright. I love it when my heroes discover eachother and make me feel smart for liking the people I like.

Karen Armstrong's Through The Narrow Gate
Karen decides she wants to be a nun when she turns sixteen. Goes to the monestary against her parent's wishes. Can't rectify her studies of Islam and Buddism during her required year at oxford before marrying Christ. Marries Christ anyway then quits after her mother superior admits that she thinks the resurrection is a sham. Karen Armstrong today is the Dean of Religious Studies at Oxford. Also wrote: A History Of God, and Islam. A clear head in a confused bookstore of an AM radio.

Monday, March 21, 2005

"Hey Ma," via Camron, the greatest pop single since "Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson

"You smoke."

"I smoke."

"I drink."

"Me too."

"Oh, good."

"Cause we gettin' high tonite."

Smokey Robinson's discarded facelift skin is rolling in it's grave.

Where's that crazy guy going?

Hey crazy guy wearing the Hefty bag: Last time you got on the bus, you bartered yourself a lower fare by offering the driver half a grapefruit and a dead kitten.


Time before that, you mixed up your rant-schedule by going en Francaise using words obviously made up on the spot.


But I've got one question: where the fuck are you going at 8:53 in the AM? Did you look at your broken watch and think "FUCK! I was supposed to take a shit in the midde of Pioneer Square ten minutes ago," or, "I've got a conference call with Jesus at 11!"

And why do you smell like flinstone's vitamins?

Let me know via email. Thanks.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Children Have The Patience Of God

You know how it feels like time goes faster the older we get? Here's why:

The time it takes to do everyday things (brushing your teeth, eating a meal, going to the bathroom) is not measured in minutes but instead as a fraction of the total time you've been alive.

Why? Because minutes and hours represent an arbitrary measurement of the time we all collectively experience. It's an illusion we've all agreed to believe. Standardized units used to facilitate human interaction, completely unrelated to how we experience time.

The only way a human being can truly experience (feel? distinguish?) a length of time is as a fraction of the total amount one has experienced a conciousness of time in the first place. Conciousness of time starts at birth.

Therefore, what we refer to as a half-hour meal is (feels) five times as long for a 4 year old as it does for a 20 year old. And feels twenty times longer for a 4 year old than for her 80 year old grandpa.

Reality is relative: you can only tell how long something feels as a relationship to the age of someone else. It takes two to tango.

Upshot: imagine how long a movie is for an infant. Next time you get pissy at the theatre hearing a baby cry, remember that the movie is 400 hours long for that kid. No excuse, we all have to learn patience, but maybe now we'll put down the hard candy projectiles and angry sidelong glares when mom carries the snoozing kid up the isle once the movie's over.

And old people: it's not that your stories are boring, but for your grandchildren, they last (quite literally) a small lifetime.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Yellow and Blue make Green

Greatest design idea in twenty years.

Yellow seam meets blue seam on resealable sandwich bag. Resulting greenness lets you know it's sealed tight.

Sagmeister is pure masturbation. Advertising is dead. Products are their own brand.

When did Jesus become a Republican?

I'm fucking serious. Was it after he took back that whole "Rich people ain't going to heaven" thing, or was it when he told the lepers they should get a job with health insurance so a professional could wipe their nasty ass feet?

Or maybe it was when he said wars have acceptable losses.

Or maybe it was when he said teenagers impregnated by their own family members should be forced to give birth.

Someone please fucking remind me, cause I forget.